My Breastfeeding Journey

*warning.. wordy post ahead*

When I was pregnant, I had never once thought of the question "Should I breastfeed or should I give my baby formula milk?"

I was a 100% formula fed baby. Not even a drip of breastmilk or colostrum from my mum. When I asked her why she don't give me breastmilk, she said "Don't know leh. Last time all say formula milk got more nutrition, better." I guess formula milk companies did a good job advertising then. Despite being poor, my parents still bought formula milk for me. Which is something they deem superior at that time. For that, I thank you daddy mummy :)

My husband was formula fed too. He was breastfed for 2 weeks or so, before my Mother in Law (MIL) switched him to formula. Reason being breastfeeding it is too tiring n painful.

I had heard a fair share of painful breastfeeding experiences too. But still, that question did not come in mind. I guess it is the "IN" thing to breastfeed now? My friend breastfed her baby and is still breastfeeding after 2 years! Xiaxue is breastfeeding, Fourfeetnine is breastfeeding, MaggieQuek is breastfeeding too!! Everyone around me is breastfeeding! Why shouldn't I? Another might be because my hospital NUH is a pro breastfeeding hospital. From the very first day I'm there, I see posters on how to latch on and all the various benefits of breastfeeding. It is very easy to find the benefits of breastfeeding, if you are keen, just google. Google is my best friend up till now! It's so useful.

So yeap.. in NUH it seems like a unspoken thing that everyone assumes u will be breastfeeding. From the moment Tracy is out of me, the nurses pulling up my hospital gown n put Tracy on my breast n position her mouth to my nipples. They don't even ask!

So from that moment, I breastfeed her until now, 5 months old and on.

Aww.. look at how she cry. So cute. My left hand hurts v badly btw, can't wait to remove e drip. I keep asking the nurses "can take out alrdy?" lol Totally random.

First few days of breastfeeding

I HAVE NO MILK! NOT EVEN A DRIP OF COLOSTRUM! It was devastating. Every hour nurses will come in and assist me with breastfeeding. They teach me how to latch on, how to position her, how to cradle her. She did suckle but there's NOTHING. I read that newborns don't actually need to eat/drink for the very first few days of their life as they have "reserve" and their stomach is actually as small as a marble. So, ok lah no milk I also not very worried yet.

Here comes day 2, she is found to have pretty bad Jaundice due to the clashing blood group/type we have. I am O negative and she is B positive. Good for her to be positive (like her dad), because negative blood group is extremely rare n troublesome, I will explain this is a later post. So being jaundiced, she needs to go for photo-therapy. They will put her under pure UV ray for long hrs and that's like being under the sun, it will dehydrate her. So the hospital and nurses had no choice but to supplement her with formula as i am milk-less T.T 

At that point, I was very determined to breastfeed her and give her the best I can. So when I was told that she needs to be supplemented with formula, I was so so sad. It already hurt a lot for me to see her away from me, under the light, fighting stupid jaundice, going for blood test, getting poked and there's nothing I can do. Not even giving her milk T.T

I know that i need to keep pumping and latching for my body to produce milk! So with the help of the nurses, I pump every 3hrs without fail. It was so saddening when the bottle is empty after pumping for 30mins. Although still milk less, I still latch her on every 4hrs, day n night just to stimulate the breast as baby's sucking motion is the best breast pump in the world!

Until the day to discharge, I am stilllllll milkless. Despite all the effort. I even used warm compress and pump until honestly, my nipples feel sore already. It is really bad. But for my baby girl, I had no choice. I felt depressed and kept questioning myself WHY other people immediately have colostrum but I have nothing? Why Fourfeetnine c sect n Fighter in NICU, can't latch, she also can pump out milk?! Why I have baby direct latching also no milk!? WHY WHY WHY!!??? 

Ask so much also no use. No milk is no milk. So we resigned to fate.

Learning how to feed her formula milk in the hospital using a syringe, because bottlefeeding might cause nipple confusion as it is a different way of sucking.

Burping.

The bottle of formula milk hospital gave me.

 Upon discharge hubby when to search for infant formula milk then we went home. I did not give up of course. I continued my scheduled pumping.

I pumped the moment i reach home and MIRACLE HAPPENED. I see white drops of liquids dripping into the bottle! Dip dop dip dop, omg.. the dripping sound is so satisfying I swear I was so happy I almost jumped around the room if not for my wound. I kept questioning my husband and my best friend who was there "eh u see u see!! Is this milk?! I never see wrong right!? Really have right?!? have not have not!?" Haha! I think I am damn irritating at that point. But seriously, you won't know how happy I was to know that I can finally give her my milk instead of come chemical powder mix with water.

My first precious 30ml. *tears of joy*

So I started exclusively breastfeeding her and that tin of formula milk which is ridiculously expensive just sat there in the cabinet to collect dust haha!

I do not pump anymore and switched to direct latching since it's the best and more convenient for me. 3 days after latching, I gave up and made a call to NUH to schedule a consultation with the lactating consultant. BECAUSE IT HURTS SO BAD... I teared every single time she latch on. *this is the point i heard most mummies gave up*

Lactating consultant looked at how i latch her on etc and confirmed everything is correct. She checked my nipples and confirmed there's no crack!! She too have no idea where the pain is from, and told me I am doing a good job T.T really?? Very pain leh.. Our verdict was, my tolerance for pain was too low. LOL. But I beg to differ now! Because if it really hurts that bad, I don't think I can do it for 5 months.

So what i did then was to spam Avent Nipple Cream.

I got this as a sample for buying Avent products. It is safe for baby, so every time after latching I will apply a layer and of course just cry n bear with the pain. The painful period lasted until full month. For one whole month, day n night. every 2-3hrs I will cry from latching on. It was really torturous. Amazing that I did not give up huh. I can easily just give up since there a tin of formula milk available anyway. Haha. But no lah! I want the best for her remember? A mother's determination and endurance for their child cannot be underestimated.

It is very tiring I swear.. because our body is still trying to recover from the labour. Womb is contracting, and we are losing a huge amountt of blood constantly. Our body is still burning extra calories to produce milk and we can never get 3hrs of uninterrupted sleep, because baby needs to be fed every 2-3hrs even in the middle of the night.

At night my confinement lady will bring Tracy to me for feeding. Every time I will doze off with her in my arms. It is so dangerous thinking back lol. Breastfeeding releases some relaxing "chemical" too, so baby and mummy will both feel more relax n sleepy. So I always doze off. There's even once I woke up in shocked that Tracy is beside me, because I don't even remember my CL passing her to me! I am THAT tired.

Fast forward, 5 months plus of breastfeeding experience

Breastfeeding is SOOO GOOD! 

It is so convenient! I don't need to bring bottles, milk powder, water or whatever. I can feed her anytime anywhere as long as I have a nursing cover. It is free of bacterial (don't need sterilize/wash), don't need prepare, don't need worry cold or hot or how to store if never finish. My milk will always be available at the right temperature and the right amount. Wanna drink how much just drink! Left over? Nevermind lah, still in my body anyway HAHA I don't even need to move around in the dark to prepare milk in the middle of the night, just lift up my shirt, TADAH!

It is full of nutrients. Tracy doubled her birth weight at 2months and is now 90 percentile. How not to be good?

It is full of antibodies. Tracy had never fell s*** (I really don't wanna jinx myself LOL please) before other than fever from vaccinations. Because antibodies in my milk protects her from all the viruses. Especially if I am sick, she get first hand antibodies from me, even before I feel sick myself. It is amazing. So, don't ever worry about breastfeeding when u r down with flu etc, your baby is already protected. 

It is a natural contraceptive. Not that this is good for me though. I want a horse baby actually :( But I guess it is good for others who don't want a second child so soon.

It is a natural slimming tool lol. I don't control my diet nor exercise and I am back to my pre pregnancy weight in 5 months. Just keep feeding and you will slim down slowly n steadily and the weight won't bounce back, unlike when we go on crash diet haha!

You have the excuse to eat. Because your body can't produce as much milk when u r deprived from food. Obviously right? You have to eat n drink n have sufficient rest before your body can work!

I also learnt that it is impossible to be milkless. I believe that this is something natural (like we can breath), just keep pumping n latching n be very hydrated. No such things as no more milk. There will only be lazy woman, no milkless woman :P

After all these months, I can only say breastfeeding is a very enjoyable process for me because of the bond between us. Often I feel very proud that I am the one giving her all her nutrients which enabled her to be what she is now. Healthy and growing and happy. It is a very special contact n bonding for the both of us, a very emotional feel. Intangible so v hard to explain lol Just don't let other people's horror stories scares you. And also, do it for your child n yourself!

I don't see myself ending this journey anytime soon. I intend to feed her and try to conceive and continue to feed until I deliver and still continue to feed her and the second one together. 

If I can give them the best, why not? :)